Adam - A Man of Grace

"It was a miracle the gun didn’t go off … The grace of God kept me here."

Thirty-eight days before this interview, Adam, 22, of Sheridan, held a 9-mm pistol to his head, the muzzle against the close-cropped dark hair of his temple. He was tired. He was hurting. He didn’t want to go on.

"Dad pulled the gun out of my hand," he said.

"I have an addictive personality," Adam said, "whether it is work or drugs or alcohol."

"I used whatever drugs I could get my hands on to take me away from myself," he said. "Working and using was all I did. It was all I knew."

After his brother died of a heart attack last year at age 25, Adam made extra time for resentment, anger and self-blame.

"After he died, I didn’t have anything. I felt this was unfair – that it should have been me who died."

His drug and alcohol abuse intensified.

"I partied. I was resentful. I didn’t have any obligations."

He hadn’t spoken to his father in the three years prior to his brother’s death. During that time Adam was using meth. His lifestyle had separated he and his father.

"Dad got in touch with me and said for me to quit my job and to move in with him. I wanted to be there to help him, so I moved in," he said.

"Things went downhill from there," he said.

Unable or unwilling to jettison his self-destructive substance abuse, Adam continued his descent, eventually deciding to kill himself.

"When Dad grabbed the gun, it didn’t go off at me or at him. I don’t know why not."

At the hospital, after the attempt, Adam said, "I realized I didn’t want to die. I realized I had people who loved me."

"But," he added, "I wanted live and not just cope."

Due to his suicidal behaviors, Adam was "emergency rushed," as he puts it, into the Life House Recovery Program.

At the time of the interview, he had been in the program 30 days and announced he was 31 days sober.

"I was actually happy to go to LIFEHOUSE," he said. "I haven’t known what it is like to be sober."

"I was tired of my whole lifestyle."

"Since I have started LIFEHOUSE, things are going better. The support has been amazing," he said.

Adam has had to avoid "outside influences," and has "felt guilty."

"It was hard for me not to be there for my dad," he said.

With only 18 days in the residential program, Adam learned that his father, who had saved him from ending his life, had died of a heart attack.

With the loss of his brother still a bruise on his heart, and the sketchiest of moorings to the docks of sobriety, the young recoverer was stunned to silence by this profound loss.

His first impulse was to run away from the program.

"Somehow, I didn’t run," he said.

"The grace of God kept me here."

Spirituality – or personal contact with a "higher power" referred to in the 12-Step AA program – was not a topic that Adam had brushed up on very much.

"The closest I had ever been to God was to blame him," he said.

"Now I see myself in the ‘Footprints in the Sand’ story, you know, where God is carrying me through the hard times."

"I wouldn’t be reaching out to God if I wasn’t in treatment," he said.

"I realize now that dad is at peace," he said.

"All of this has become a motivation for me in my recovery."

"I am realizing I am powerless over drugs and alcohol."

"I am noticing the little things in life that make a difference," he said. "I definitely need treatment. I am learning a lot about myself."

Volunteers of America is dedicated to serving individuals, families and communities of Wyoming and the surrounding region by providing comprehensive alcohol and drug treatment services. For more information on substance abuse treatment services, call 307-672-2044.